Safe or Authentic—Time to Choose

Remember that one time when March of 2020 hit and everything went insane? Remember how Covid broke time? It kind of feels like that TV show, Manifest, where an entire plane full of people take off in one year and when they land—what seems to them like a few hours later—five years have passed! (Prophetic, really, considering it came out in 2018.)

While obviously not in the literal sense, I kind of feel like those passengers. I feel like 2019 happened and then ergojio%lsjkeare^ roerj@oeroe;fefoi !gpoerie}rpogm*reoitp happened and then I woke up and it was today. In reality, a lot has happened in my life since 2020:

• I started and—a year later—ended a podcast. (Absolutely loved doing this but logistics overruled desire when both my co-host and I moved to different states.)

• Three of our four young adult kids moved out (all six of us were quarantined together in the house they grew up in…hmmm…wonder if that had anything to do with everyone moving to different states? ;)

• I built a home studio and became an audiobook narrator then dismantled said studio because we decided we were done living in NY and we needed to put the house up for sale. (We loved raising our kids in Buffalo but the combination of my extreme disgust with winter and my husband’s extreme disgust with NY politics meant it was time to go! )

• We went under contract on a new construction home in St. Augustine, FL which was supposed to be ready in August, 2021. (Spoiler Alert: it was done in April, 2022.)

• We moved to Florida but since our house was massively delayed, we ended up putting our Buffalo house up as an Airbnb for a year and it did shockingly well for a suburban home in a very residential area.

• I worked at a medical cannabis dispensary for a few months, and learned a lot about a topic I’m fascinated by.

• Our youngest graduated high-school and started college this year.

So it’s not like nothing was happening over the last three years. I actually made some really massive changes in my life. But it’s all felt muted and cloudy. Like I’ve been existing in my iPhone’s Low Power Mode. I’ve been present and I’ve been living but constantly in danger of burning out and not all my regular features were available.

See, I’m a very empathetic person. I don’t just notice the emotions in the room. I feel them. Which means all the trauma that has been happening in our country, and around the world, and all the division it has caused has been especially heavy for me. It felt like the entire world was screaming at each other and I was standing in the middle trying to make sense of it all.

In order to stay sane, I think I turned the volume of the world down as much as I possibly could. I went into a sort of stasis of emotion where I knew what was going on but I couldn’t engage too much. I wrote in my journal recently that I feel like I’ve been in an emotional fetal position for a few years and I’m just now stretching out my limbs and getting back on my feet. And this is probably why it feels like I got on a plane and when I landed, years had passed.

Yesterday was my 51st birthday, and as I looked at all the lovely birthday messages on my Facebook feed, I realized I’ve missed people. I’ve intentionally stayed off Facebook as much as possible because it was so vicious for a time. But I found myself taking a second to think about each one of those people who wished me happy birthday, and being thankful for having them in my life. Connection is a vital emotional nutrient, necessary for humans to thrive and by protecting myself from the loud emotions of the world, I’ve unintentionally starved myself.

I didn’t exactly notice my emotional emaciation because I spent most of my free time reading novels so I didn’t have to think about difficult things. A bookclub friend gave me a bookmark yesterday and I’m sure she has no idea how accurate it really was for me. It reads, “I just want to read my books and ignore all of my adult problems.” How did she know? This is exactly how I’ve been coping. But I’m aware that it’s not a long-term, sustainable solution. (Although it’s tempting to try. I do LOVE to read!)

In addition to cutting myself off from all the riotous emotions colliding in the ether, I also muted my own voice. I stopped writing for a time. I rarely said what I thought about anything, in a public forum. And I’ve avoided discussions that had any potential for conflict. It’s always been difficult for me to have strong opinions. I’m a peace-maker at heart and harmony in my environment is a daily aspiration. (If you’re an enneagram aficionado, you can probably guess that I’m an Ennea9.)

Strong opinions feel dangerous because they could cause conflict. What if what I want clashes with what a loved-one wants? Well, I don’t like conflict so it’s obvious. Just give the loved-one what they want. It’s much easier to acquiesce and be happy about it than it is to dig down, figure out what I truly want, and be willing and able to stand in my convictions—without caving in order to eliminate any possible strife.

But I’m not willing to live that way anymore. I’m re-engaging in the world, I’m taking myself off of mute and I’m writing a book that is the equivalent of immersion therapy (where you face your fears on a continual basis until they no longer seem so scary). This book is a departure from my past writing. It’s not a novel, but a memoir of sorts. It’s the story of a recovering people-pleaser learning how to live authentically in a world obsessed with filters, feeds, and follower counts.

As people in society self-censor more and more, I’m writing a book in which I say what I think about everything. I’m talking about all the things we’re not supposed to talk about: Sex, Drugs, Marriage, Politics, Religion and more.

This. Feels. Terrifying.

For the most part, I’ve spent my whole life being able to get along with almost everyone because I don’t rock boats and I don’t take stands. In many ways, this has served me well. But I don’t think it fits me anymore. I think it’s time to lean into authenticity and let the chips fall where they may. I’d rather live an authentic life with a few friends than be liked by everyone but known by no-one—having little to no impact on the world around me.

I’ve got some heavy writing to do. I have no idea where this journey will take me but I intend to enjoy the ride. And my sincerest hope is that me being real, raw, and authentic will inspire others to do the same. Stay tuned.

Is Real community possible on social media? (Or is it all just a big dumpster fire?)

I lost my phone today. I had it this morning but when I left the house for an overnight in Rochester, I couldn’t find it anywhere. But never fear...I’m thanking the Apple gods who convinced me to get the ipad with cellular service. I can still function. It’s all okay. No need to call the hospital and search for a post-nervous-breakdown me. 

I still feel weird tho....like I’m missing an appendage. I mean, I probably do use my phone more than say my pinky finger. Certainly more than I use my appendix (what is that there for again?) So I guess feeling like it’s part of my body isn’t so strange. And I’m fine with that. I LIKE that I can use my hand-held superpower mega computer for so many things every day. I’m thankful for my phone and all the ways it helps me. Yes, it can be an annoying distraction at times but overall I see it as a really beneficial part of living in the age we’re in.

But I suspect there will be two reactions to this post: One by the people who are like me. (You are hyperventilating at the thought of losing your phone. I remind you...all is well...ipad.) You feel my pain and you are with me in hoping I find my phone soon. (Update at the end of this post.)

And the other will be those who are in the “technology is obnoxious and is mostly ruining our lives” camp (Hi dad, I’m looking at you! But you don’t know it because you’re not on social media…haha) who might feel a bit of smug satisfaction that I will learn the lesson that I’m addicted to my phone and maybe I’ll come out of this healthier. (Doubtful)

To that second group, I appreciate your “well wishes.” I really do. I respect your right to your anti-tech stance in life. (I am pondering how you’re reading this post without technology but that’s another story.) In all seriousness, I really do respect the group of people who eschew technology and all it’s distracting bings and dings. And I would not be opposed at all to the idea of a week away with no texts, facebook, instagram, etc. I think there’s a time and a place for unplugging—no question—I just can’t imagine it as a lifestyle. However, I respect your right to view things as you do and call me from your land line rather than text me. Just as I hope you’ll respect my right to ignore phone calls (they feel so aggressive to me 😳😂) and wait for text messages to arrive explaining what the call was in reference to. At that point, I might even call you back. Who knows! But I don’t think I’m right and you’re wrong. Nor do I think you’re right and I’m wrong. We are just wired differently. (No pun intended.)

We all see things through a lens that’s built by our lifetime of experiences as well as our personality and beliefs. As a matter of fact, did you know we are actually hard-wired to gravitate toward data and experiences that confirm what we already think? It’s called Confirmation Bias. And we all have it. Ever notice when you’re looking at reviews for a local restaurant that you want to try out, you tend to skip over the one star reviews and focus on the five star ones? But if you’re looking at reviews for a place your friend wants to go to and you’ve heard bad things about it, you focus on the one star reviews. Those confirm what you already think so they stand out to you.

For example, picture this scenario: There’s a thirty-something woman at a playground with her six year old. She’s at a bench near the play set her daughter is playing on but her earbuds are in and her focus is on her phone. She looks at her phone just about every 30 seconds. She occasionally types something, puts the phone down, looks for her daughter and then picks up the phone again. Twice the daughter calls out for her mom to “watch this, mom!” But mom doesn’t hear her and daughter just shrugs and goes on to the next climbing ladder. This goes on for 30 minutes until mom takes her daughter’s hand and walks away from the park.

The non-tech-loving person may conclude that this mom is ignoring her daughter in favor of scrolling instagram and texting a friend. Noting, once again, how aggravating it is that people constantly have their cell phones out, fully distracting them from what’s important.

The tech-loving person might watch this scene and conclude that the mom is probably dealing with an emergency and is texting someone who’s at the hospital keeping her posted on the situation with a close family member who is undergoing surgery. They would probably note that it’s really great that the mom can deal with the situation remotely while allowing her daughter some play time rather than being cooped up in a hospital waiting room.

The truth is usually somewhere in between. The mom is supposed to be at work on a webinar but her babysitter called and needed her to pick up her daughter early. So the mom thought it would be nice for her daughter to get some fresh air while she watches her webinar from the bench beside the play set. It’s a win-win. She gets her work done and her daughter gets to use up some energy and soak up some sunshine.

But our confirmation bias causes us to assume different things when looking at a situation like this (and really in most situations we come across). I see technology as a mostly positive tool in my life. So I usually focus on the facts that support my positive view of tech:

• I love that I can connect with people on social media who I haven’t seen in 20 years and then when I’m traveling through their city, I get to see them in person because they see from my fb post that I’m in their town. 

• I love that when I was typing this and I typed “eschew” and had that sudden, “Am I using that right?” feeling, I could google it and ensure that yes indeed, it means to deliberately avoid using something. Thanks Google. 

• I love that I wrote my first book, set in Ireland, and had never set foot there but was able to google all the things I needed to build my little Irish town, grounded in reality. 

• And even more cool, that when I did get to go to Ireland after my book was published, I got to visit all the places I googled and see them in real life...what a cool experience!

• I love that when my friends move away, I know I won’t lose touch with them just because I won’t run into them at Wegmans anymore. I can still be a part of their lives through technology and I think that’s awesome.

However, none of my positive feelings about it will convince someone who leans toward viewing technology as a burden. So I’m not even trying to change anyone’s mind. I’m simply trying to illuminate a truth that we could all learn from…we have bias and we rarely realize it. The truth of a situation is rarely what we think it is. And that’s why I’ve spent a lot of time over the last several years trying to listen more than I talk. When I have a reaction to something someone says online, I’m trying to reach out and ask them to tell me more about how they feel rather than digging in and defending my position. I think the more we listen to each other’s stories, the more we will understand each other and that seems vital to me in today’s opinion-charged environment.

I created a facebook group recently because I wanted to create a gathering place, an online community, where things can be discussed without rancor. Where we can agree to disagree. Where we can learn and grow by listening to opposing viewpoints. And the bottom line for me is that I feel more alive when I’m helping other women grow in confidence and find their passion. So I’m constantly giving book recommendations, sending people podcasts, sharing websites…whatever I can do to help someone get the resources they need to grow more into who they’re meant to be. This is what my website and Facebook group are there for. To offer resources and engage in helpful discussions that help women more fully embrace who they are meant to be. (Guys too…but my passion tends to be in helping women so that’s where I put my focus).

You’ll see that both my new website and my facebook group are titled “Rebekah Ruth- Books, Brains & Banter.” That title is the jumping off point but not the whole of what these spaces are for. Books, brains and beauty was the easy place to start because I’m already a book girl and most people who know me, know that. Between writing books and voraciously reading books…I’m a book nerd all the way. Brains…that encompasses some of the topics I’m most passionate about. Psychology (the arena that holds things like the idea of confirmation bias) and personality profiles…these things make me happy. I love learning more about mental health and wellness. And then banter…well that’s because I love to have deep conversations with people and I’m planning to do that in some exciting new ways in the future. But that’s not where my online space will end. Over time, I’ll be adding several other “B-word” topics. Body, Biz, Belief, Bedroom, Bucks, Beats, etc. (I’ll leave it to your imagination as to what those other tabs will contain on my website.) You won’t see politics on there. Because it doesn’t start with B. Ha. But also because I feel like that arena has almost become poison/toxic. So while I’m happy to discuss topics that may influence the political arena (money, culture, health, business, beliefs, etc.) you won’t see me painting anything red or blue on my website (unless it’s Fourth of July and I’m painting my nails).

So, to my question in the title, is real community possible on social media? My bias tells me yes. But so does my experience. Not long after I started my Facebook group I joined one that has been a great example of what online community can become. One of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker, started an online book club a couple months ago. I love her style, her writing, her snark and her heart. Sign me up! I was in as soon as I saw the announcement. And one of the perks of the group is a private facebook group for members of the book club (all 1,947 of us!). So you can imagine, with almost 2000 women, there are lots of differing opinions on everything. We have a common thread…all being drawn to the writing of Jen Hatmaker. So it stands to reason that we’d have some similar ways of looking at things. But we also are very diverse and span a wide range of religious, political and social beliefs. And sometimes I see posts on there that make me roll my eyes. But mostly, I’m just enjoying the community.

The first day, a bunch of us introduced ourself (back when there were only like 600 of us 😂) and as I read through the intros, I was drawn to one woman’s post. I commented on it and asked her if she’d been to a particular conference that seemed like it would be a good fit for her. She hadn’t but once I told her about it, she wanted to sign up to go this fall. I had been considering canceling my plans to go just the week before, but soon another woman joined our discussion and before you know it, we were all three booked to go and room together. Guys, we’ve never even met each other. And if social media were not a thing, we never would. But through social media, I have two new friends and I have a feeling we are going to have a blast in Colorado this October.

So what’s my point? I guess I’m just feeling like we all need to take a step back, assume people are doing the best they can, and start focusing more on being who we want to be rather than trying to convince others to be who we want them to be. None of us has the full story. None of us knows anything truly for sure. So it would behoove us (yes, I said behoove…I’ve been reading a lot of regency time period romances lately) to think what we think, believe what we believe, but always make a little room for, “But I may be wrong.”

P.S. I’ve included a few interesting YouTube videos below about the subject of Confirmation Bias or the closely related Motivated Reasoning. Also, my husband and son found my phone. On the side of the road, crushed to bits after sliding off the top of my SUV where I had unknowingly placed it. Oy!

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